Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm both gender and math confused
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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