I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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