$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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