halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
