come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
