I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I want a musical about memes.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
