Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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