I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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