considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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