I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
