OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
