I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
