the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
