I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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