and you said cock pushups were impossible
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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