who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
how does that bad decision feel?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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