boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
