I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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