ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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