I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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