Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
