I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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