Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
