It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This is my gift to your gina
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
