I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
