I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
not ubering you a puppy
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