Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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