i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I wish there were birth control emojis
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
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