I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize