I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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