apparently the secret to your success is patron
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
