Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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