i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
