if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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