you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
