I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
