mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
