Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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