if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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