chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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