Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
