I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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