is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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