porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
