there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
