just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
