You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize