hotel room ftw
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
