I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
