I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
