You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
