I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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