i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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