He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
