Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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