have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize