Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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