I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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