Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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