His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
