Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
