end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
